Jokes

[Rizzle]

anybody got any good jokes?

[Rizzle]

> > >> HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
> > >> (new 2005 version)
> > >>
> > >> 1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
> > >> 2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
> > >> 3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
> > >> 4. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION
> > > SUPERHIGHWAY.
> > >> 5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
> > > 6. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
> > > 7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY
> > > INCONVENIENCED.
> > >> 8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
> > >> 9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
> > >> 10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
> > >> 11. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY
> > > SUPERIOR.
> > >> 12. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
> > >>
> > >> HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
> > >> 1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN
> > > STORAGE FACILITY.
> > >> 2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
> > >> 3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
> > >> DESTINATIONS.
> > >> 4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
> > >> 5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY
> > > DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
> > >> 6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN! DRUNK -He becomes ACCIDENTALLY
> > > HORIZONTAL.
> > >> 7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of
> > > RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
> > >> 8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
> > >> 9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
> > >> 10. He is not HORNY - He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
> > >> 11. It's not his crack you see hanging out of his pants....It is
> MALE LEAVAGE

[Rizzle]

TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.

I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean

17 times it was too late

49 times you were too tired

20 times it was too hot

15 times you pretended to be sleep

22 times you had a headache

17 times you were afraid of waking the baby

16 times you said you were too sore

12 times it was the wrong time of the month

19 times you had to get up early

9 times you said weren't in the mood

7 times you were sunburned

6 times you were watching the late show

5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo

3 times you said the neighbors would hear us

9 times you said your mother would hear us


Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there

8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling

4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with

7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished

1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move



KEEP READING....... HER REPLY……………….



==========================================================



TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat

36 times you did not come home at all

21 times you didn't cum

33 times you came too soon

19 times you went soft before you got in

38 times you worked too late

10 times you got cramps in your toes

29 times you had to get up early to play golf

2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls

4 times you got it stuck in your zipper

3 times you had a cold and your nose was running

2 times you had a splinter in your finger

20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day

6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book

98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

[I Am Batman]

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahaha
hahahahahahaha
hahahahahahaha
hahahahahahaha
hahahahahahaha
hahahahahahaha

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

[mynameiscj]

Q: Why can't you starve in the desert?


A: Because of all the sand which is there! (sandwiches)


-cj

[Rizzle]

A woman gives birth to twins, a girl and a boy. Her husband isn't there, and she doesn't want to name them without him seeing them first. But the hospital insists that the babies must be named by the end of the day. Crazy Uncle Louie overhears this and he names them (unbeknowst to the couple). Later the husband arrives, and the happy couple are set to name the babies when a nurse informs them that Uncle Louie already took care of that. "Oh no!" they cry. "He's crazy and doesn't know what he's doing. What names did he pick?" The nurse says, "Well, he named the girl Deniece." "Whew, not bad. In fact, that's nice. And how about the boy?" "Denephew."

[I Am Batman]

unbeknowst

[Rizzle]

(1)When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown

(2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a
support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they
meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, the day before they leave
you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom,
they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's
go west.'"
--Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they
turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What,
do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is
the same."
--Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot .. And suppose you were a
member of Congress... But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain

17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown

18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!
I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry

19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow
Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased



"Everybody's got to believe in something.
I believe I'll have another beer." - WC Fields

[Rizzle]

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says," I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your Mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough "Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister, who explodes on the phone "Like heck they're getting a divorce, "she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I"m calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing. "DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife "They're coming for Christmas and paying their own way.”

[Rizzle]

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we
all could use more calm in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have
finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed "The way to achieve inner
peace is to finish all the things you've started."

So I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't
finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a
bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's, a
bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and
Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, some saltines and a
box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel. Please pass this on to those
you feel are in need of inner peace.

[Rizzle]

You know you live in 2004 when:

>1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
>
>2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
>
>3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
>
>4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
>
>5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
>that they don't have e-mail addresses.
>
>6. You go home afterr a long day at work you still answer the phone
>in a business manner.
>
>7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get
>an outside line.
>
>8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
>different compannies.
>
>10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
>
>11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
>
>12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
>if anyone is home.
>
>13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of
>the screen.
>
>14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have
>the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
>panic and you turn around to go and get it.
>
>15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your
>coffee.
>
>16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
>
>17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
>
>18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward
>this message.
>
>19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
>
>20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on
>this list.
>
>AND YOU U R LAUGHING at yourself. Admit it. At least 3/4 of the
>above applies to you.

[DrtTrac]

My GF is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true
story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future.

Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled
my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I
bought something really cool for my GF . The occasion was our
anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet
girl.

What I came cross was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with
a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate
an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity
while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived,
with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you
adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your
250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a
slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil- neck
geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're
truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was so disappointed.

Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I
found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an
arc between the prongs.

How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed
the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get
the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs
that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!!
Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yippee . . I'm
easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to
my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.

There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently (trusting little
soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the cat ) and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
target. I must admit I thought about zapping kitty for a fraction of a
second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised.

Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the
time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and
loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no
friggin' way!"

Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
followed. I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head
cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy,"
reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing
couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the
circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself one-second
burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like
hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad
decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time.
Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
**************!

DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the
front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on
the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in
the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position. Kitty was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it
again, do it again!"

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note
of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if
you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs
1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time
was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I
had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on
the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right
thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had
been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or
take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away.
I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and
handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get
'em back.

[Rizzle]

CARDS YOU WILL NEVER SEE
> IN A HALLMARK STORE:
>
> 1. So your daughter's a hooker,
> and it spoiled your day.
> Look at the bright side,
> it's really good pay.
>
> 2. My tire was thumping.
> I thought it was flat.
> When I looked at the tire.
> I noticed your cat. Sorry!
>
> 3. You had your bladder removed
> and you're on the mend.
> Here's a bouquet of flowers,
> and a box of Depends.
>
> 4. Happy Vasectomy!
> Hope you feel zippy!
> Cause when I had mine
> I got real snippy.
>
> 5. Heard your wife left you.
> How upset you must be.
> But don't fret about it,
> She moved in with me
>
> 6. "Looking back over the years that we've
> been together, I can't help but wonder:
> What the HELL was I thinking?"
>
> 7. "Congratulations on your wedding day!
> Too bad no one likes your wife."
>
> 8. "How could people as beautiful as you
> two have such an ugly baby?"
>
> 9. "I've always wanted to have someone to
> hold, someone to love. After having met you,
> I've changed my mind."
>
> 10. "I must admit, you brought Religion into my
> life.
> I never believed in Hell until I met you."
>
> 11. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am
> that you're not here to ruin it for me."
>
> 12. "If I get only one thing for Christmas,
> I hope it's your sister."
>
> 13. "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the
> gifts you've given me. Like the need for
> therapy..."
>
> 14. "Thanks for being a part of my life... I never
> knew what evil was before this!"
>
> 15. "Congratulations on your promotion. Before
> you go, would you like to take this knife
> out
> of my back? You'll probably need it again."
>
> 16. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to
> you."
>
> 17. "Happy Birthday! You look great for your
> age... Almost Lifelike!
>
> 18. "When we were together, you always said
> you'd die for me. Now that we've broken
> up, I think it's time you kept your
> promise."
>
> 19. "I knew the day would come when you would
> leave me for my best friend. So here's his
> leash,
> water bowl and chew toys."
>
> 20. "We have been friends for a very long time,
> let's say we call it quits."
>
> 21. "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost
> like you're still here."
>
> 22. "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
> Did you ever find out who the father was?"
>
> 23. "You are such a good friend that if we were on
> a sinking ship there was only one life
> jacket...
> I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
>
> 24. "Your friends and I wanted to do something
> special for your birthday-so we're having you
> put
> to sleep."
>
> 25. "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only
> in
> Mississippi)

[Rizzle]

The Computer



A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike

English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ''House''

for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is

masculine: "el lapiz.''



A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?''



Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two

groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether

''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.



Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.



The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the

feminine gender (''la computer''), because:



1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;



2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is

incomprehensible to everyone else;



3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for

possible later retrieval; and



4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending

half your paycheck on accessories for it.



(No chuckling... this gets better!)



The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine

(''el computer''), because:



1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;



2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;



3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they

ARE the problem; and



4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a

little longer, you could have gotten a better model.



The women won.

[Rizzle]

Something to consider ... never would have think it ...


> TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS
> Question 1:


> If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids
> already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one
> mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you
> recommend that she have an abortion?


> Read the next question before looking at the answer
> for this one.


> Question 2:


> It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your
> vote counts. Here are the facts about the three
> leading candidates:


> Candidate A -


> Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with
> astrologists. He's had two Mistresses. He also chain
> smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.


> Candidate B -


> He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon,
> used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey
> every evening.


> Candidate C -


> He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't
> smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on
> his wife.
>
>
>
>
>
> Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide
> first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.
>
> >
>
>
> KEEP GOING
>
>
>
>
>
> >
> Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
>
>
>
>
>
> Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
>
>
>
>
>
> Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.
>
>
>
>
>
> And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question:
> If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.
>
>
>
>
>
> Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think
> before judging someone.
>
>
>
>
>
> Never be afraid to try something new. Remember:
> Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the
> Titanic and in case you never saw this one......
>
>
>
>
>
> Can you imagine working for a company that has a
> little more than 500 employees and has the following
> statistics:
> * 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
> * 7 have been arrested for fraud
> * 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
> * 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least
> 2 businesses
> * 3 have done time for assault
> * 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
> * 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
> * 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
> * 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
> * 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last
> year

> Can you guess which organization this is?
> Give up yet?
>
>
>
>
>
> It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.
> The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws
> each year designed to keep the rest of us in line. TEXT

[Rizzle]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected

a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.


While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated,

"You must be single."


The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.


She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
her marital status.


Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"


The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[Rizzle]

Ole and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he
had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his
tackle box, he pulled out a BIC lighter 10 inches long.

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge BIC lighter in his hands.
"Vhere did yew get dat monster??"

"Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."

"You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.

"Ya, shure, right here in my tackle box," says Ole.

"Could I see him?" Sven asked.

So Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your
master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"

"Yes I will", says the genie.

So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into
the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks,
flying overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, "I asked for a million
BUCKS, not a million Ducks!"

Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew
really tink I asked for a 10-inch BIC?"

[Rizzle]

Pharmacology

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names - a trade name and a generic

name. For example, the generic name of Tylenol is acetaminophen. Aleve

is known as naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, and Advil is ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After

consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced it

has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were

mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of

course ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. is making an announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be

available in liquid form! and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power

beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to

literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives

new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old

fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name

of Mount & Do.

[Rizzle]

Flu Prevention



Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never

been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One

afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint

sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he

sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl

sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated,

of all things, a condom!



When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor

tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange

floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"

pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?" I was

walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on

the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and

that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the

flu all winter.



STAY WELL!!!

[Rizzle]

> A big, tall Texan was eating dinner in a local restaurant after a long day
> of sightseeing and tequila-sipping in Mexico City.
>

> He noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the
> table next to his. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
> He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
> The waiter replied, "Ah, senor, you have excellent taste. Those are bull's
> testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!"
> The Texan, although momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on
> vacation. Bring me an order!"
> The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per
> day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early
> tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
>

> The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that
> evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
> After a few bites, and while inspecting the contents of his platter, he
> called the waiter over and said, "These are delicious, but they are much
> smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
> The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, senor, sometimes the
> bull wins."